For every season there’s a reason

It’s been three months since I wrote a post here. There are reasons for it. I haven’t known what or how to write about this new phase of grief and life that I’ve entered. I’ve been relishing BEING and not over-contemplating. I worked so hard at healing for so long after GR’s death that something …

Standing at the intersection of Here and There

Two years after GR’s death, I find myself at a crossroads in my grieving process for him. There is a passage from Joan Didion’s The Year of Magical Thinking that echoes often in my mind lately. She writes,“I know why we try to keep the dead alive: we try to keep them alive in order …

The value of being single AF

I am 41 years old and I have been single now for two years. This is the longest stretch I have gone not being in a relationship since I was 18. Which means I was not single for about 21 years. Twenty-one pretty formative years. That’s a long time. Can you say: NEW TERRITORY? Quite honestly, …

Dear Day-One-Widowed Me

I follow a few widow-related accounts on social media. The other day one of them posted a question to its followers. It said: “If you could go back and talk to your past self on day one of being widowed, what would you say?” What a good question, I thought, and kept thinking about it …

The flip side of love

You never know when the tears are going to surface. There is usually no warning. Two days ago I boarded a plane from Taipei to Bangkok. There was no Wi-Fi and I’d finished my book. So I put in my earbuds, leaned my chair back and pressed ‘play’ on a playlist I’d downloaded on Spotify. …

We are never alone.

A couple of months ago I sat on the couch and told her that I’d never felt so intensely alone in my life. For weeks in a row I’d felt like I was made of cement. I’d been so tired. I felt depressed, like I was carrying around a backpack full of bricks most days. …

The gift of truly being heard

It was 4:30am on February 21, 2016 and I was showering upstairs while GR lay on his deathbed in our dining room. A hospice nurse had come to our home a few hours prior–around midnight–because GR appeared very restless, agitated and in pain. We thought his pain medication dosage needed to be increased. We were …

New York, I love you differently now.

How was New York? she asks. It was really good. Being there was hard and sad, but also beautiful…mostly beautiful. The day I scattered GR’s ashes was really special. It was everything I could have ever hoped such a hard and sad thing could be. Meaningful. Heartfelt. Bittersweet. Filled with love. Beautiful. And then I …

Grounded in light even in the dark

I have seen dark things, but I am not darkness. I lie propped up on the bolster on my yoga mat so that my head is above my heart. My shoulders are back, my chest is expanded, my heart is open. “On your inhale, visualize white light filling your spine from the crown of your …