A voice with a message for a lifetime

I haven’t known how to write about this new season of my life, but I think about it a lot. I wouldn’t say it was necessarily easy to write about all my deep grief, pain and suffering; it was more like I had no choice in the matter. It was coming out my pores. I …

For every season there’s a reason

It’s been three months since I wrote a post here. There are reasons for it. I haven’t known what or how to write about this new phase of grief and life that I’ve entered. I’ve been relishing BEING and not over-contemplating. I worked so hard at healing for so long after GR’s death that something …

Standing at the intersection of Here and There

Two years after GR’s death, I find myself at a crossroads in my grieving process for him. There is a passage from Joan Didion’s The Year of Magical Thinking that echoes often in my mind lately. She writes,“I know why we try to keep the dead alive: we try to keep them alive in order …

The value of being single AF

I am 41 years old and I have been single now for two years. This is the longest stretch I have gone not being in a relationship since I was 18. Which means I was not single for about 21 years. Twenty-one pretty formative years. That’s a long time. Can you say: NEW TERRITORY? Quite honestly, …

Dear Day-One-Widowed Me

I follow a few widow-related accounts on social media. The other day one of them posted a question to its followers. It said: “If you could go back and talk to your past self on day one of being widowed, what would you say?” What a good question, I thought, and kept thinking about it …

The flip side of love

You never know when the tears are going to surface. There is usually no warning. Two days ago I boarded a plane from Taipei to Bangkok. There was no Wi-Fi and I’d finished my book. So I put in my earbuds, leaned my chair back and pressed ‘play’ on a playlist I’d downloaded on Spotify. …

We are never alone.

A couple of months ago I sat on the couch and told her that I’d never felt so intensely alone in my life. For weeks in a row I’d felt like I was made of cement. I’d been so tired. I felt depressed, like I was carrying around a backpack full of bricks most days. …

The gift of truly being heard

It was 4:30am on February 21, 2016 and I was showering upstairs while GR lay on his deathbed in our dining room. A hospice nurse had come to our home a few hours prior–around midnight–because GR appeared very restless, agitated and in pain. We thought his pain medication dosage needed to be increased. We were …

New York, I love you differently now.

How was New York? she asks. It was really good. Being there was hard and sad, but also beautiful…mostly beautiful. The day I scattered GR’s ashes was really special. It was everything I could have ever hoped such a hard and sad thing could be. Meaningful. Heartfelt. Bittersweet. Filled with love. Beautiful. And then I …