Tag: surrender

Grief – take two thousand and one

You know it when it comes to visit because it’s not like the others. You know it because at first it makes you feel crazy. It makes you question everything. What is going on here? Why do I feel this way? You’re all like, what the fuck do you want now? From me?  Again? I …

The family that wasn’t meant to be

At certain points in my life, I wanted to have children with GR more than I wanted anything in the world. I pined for a family. Everywhere I went I only saw pregnant women. It was like I was starring in my own horror movie. Zombie pregnant women were always coming at me. It was …

A voice with a message for a lifetime

I haven’t known how to write about this new season of my life, but I think about it a lot. I wouldn’t say it was necessarily easy to write about all my deep grief, pain and suffering; it was more like I had no choice in the matter. It was coming out my pores. I …

For every season there’s a reason

It’s been three months since I wrote a post here. There are reasons for it. I haven’t known what or how to write about this new phase of grief and life that I’ve entered. I’ve been relishing BEING and not over-contemplating. I worked so hard at healing for so long after GR’s death that something …

Dear Day-One-Widowed Me

I follow a few widow-related accounts on social media. The other day one of them posted a question to its followers. It said: “If you could go back and talk to your past self on day one of being widowed, what would you say?” What a good question, I thought, and kept thinking about it …

We are never alone.

A couple of months ago I sat on the couch and told her that I’d never felt so intensely alone in my life. For weeks in a row I’d felt like I was made of cement. I’d been so tired. I felt depressed, like I was carrying around a backpack full of bricks most days. …